Letter to Dad

Dear Dad,
It has been two months since you passed away. I cannot begin to fathom the loss. I still remember the kids and I driving up to see you ~ never once imaging that this would be our last trip. I knew you were tired but you fought such a valiant fight, I know it is selfish of me ~ but I had high hopes that you’d make it past Reilly’s Birthday. Sadly and ironically, you quietly passed away exactly one month before her 5th birthday.

We miss you so very much. Sometimes the pain is unbearable for me. I weep because I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that it was I that you and God chose to “give you permission” to let go. I will NEVER forget your last night here as long as I live. I vividly recall how “restless” you were, how I lovingly stroked your head and climbed partially into bed with you and whispered, “Dad, if you are tired, it is okay to let go. I promise, I will take care of the family for you.” Oh God, You were so weak, yet somehow you found the strength to turn around and face me and say, “Okay” in response.
You tossed and turned a lot that night. I jumped up literally every five minutes to check on you, kiss you and let you know I was there with you and how very much I loved you. You knew…………… At one point I asked if you wanted me to read to you ~ perhaps a favorite passage from the Bible. What I failed to realize at the time was that you really were letting go. The tossing and turning/restlessness went on until approximately 2am. Then, oddly I was able to sleep ~ but not for long. At 3:30 am SHARP I sat straight up and even in the darkness I knew something was amiss. You were still. I jumped up and immediately felt your forehead and it was cool to the touch so I frantically yet somehow calmly felt for a pulse. There was none. My fears came to light ~ literally when I turned on the lights and saw your face. Your eyes were still open and parts of your body were still warm ~ I was actually witnessing one of the greatest and profound gifts God can bestow on us mere humans ~ I could see your spirit actually leaving your body. At first and I think naturally, I was in denial. I remember trying to cover the cool parts of you up somehow thinking it would help keep you warm. But I knew. I said a prayer over you and told you to go be with “Our Lord” and then I ran upstairs to get your son.
The kids talk about you all the time. They miss you so. They talk to each other about what you are doing in heaven at any given time ….By the way ~ did you get the balloons they sent you? As you know, we said a prayer and released them at the end of February. We watched them fly all the way up into the sky until we could see them no more.
I still have all of you messages on our answering machine. I cannot let them go ~ hearing your voice is both comforting and sad. I hope you know how very much you meant to me and always will.
You were a good man Charles Johnston. An honorable, quiet man who took great pleasure in the simplest things that life had to offer. You bestowed words of wisdom ~ I heard you ~ unfortunately others did not. I will carry your legacy in my heart forever.
Your youngest grand babies are helping me write a book to honor you. They will NEVER forget their “Grandpa Dad”. Your death took its toll on me....I am healing one day at a time Dad ~ some days are harder than others but you taught all of your loved ones that life still must go on. Thank you for being such a great story teller and family historian. I Love you now and forever. I promise to keep my word and take care of everyone as best I can. I know everyone must live their own lives but I will always be there (in the background) for you. Please continue to watch over us. Keep us all safe.
I will forever treasure that first night you came to me after you had passed on to let me know you were safe. Thank you! I love you so and you have inspired me to finally let my creative monster out of its cage and start writing again. Maybe it will lead somewhere… ~ God we miss you so……………………It breaks my heart how very sad, lonely and lost Mom is without you, yet she soldiers on ~ you must be sitting on her should pushing her to keep going.
Some nights, I can hear Reilly and CJ talking to you and laughing in their sleep, of course. Please don’t ever leave them. We need you ~ Always and Forever.
Me