Life's Road Map

Sometimes the worst thing that happens to you can actually be the best thing for you, as long as you do not let it get the BEST of you!

I am finding that to be so very true ~ especially in spite of the horrific things that have happened in my life recently. I was in such a state of shock at my now estranged husband's betrayal.

How could I have been so stupid?! I was angry, blind-sided, in denial, and mired down in the muck from the pain. A pain so intense that it often manifested itself physically.

The unbearable ache in my heart ~ actually felt as if arrows were piercing at and tearing into my soul. My whole body ached and I WEPT deeply. The tears burned through my cheeks......it was just plain gut wrenching. To say I was lost, off track ~ well, that is quite the understatement.

But let me say this first ~ NEVER once did I doubt my faith nor did I feel any shame! Hell yes, I wanted to know why this was happening to me and how this "man" who claimed to love me caused me so much pain and distress!

Had I somehow done to something to motivate his behavior? I've been through tough times before, but nothing like this. How was I going to pull though? I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and saw that I was becoming a shell of who I once was.

I felt empty, fragile and very vulnerable. "SNAP out of it!" I screamed at myself. Sometimes I felt like life was mocking me ~ the only thing I was able to manage was to do what was familiar to me.

So I relied heavily on my faith, turning to my well-worn bible ~ frantically scouring my favorite passages for reasons why, why, WHY?!! Oh God ~ How I NEEDED ANSWERS!!

I devoured self-help books and wrote down my feelings daily. During one of those panic driven quests for God knows what ~ SOMETHING clearly stood out ~ I realized that no matter what, I am who I am ~ Take it or leave it!!

I MUST to be true to myself no matter what anyone says ~ NO APPROVAL needed!! I know this will not get the BEST of me! I still have many questions and I understand that I may never get them all answered in this lifetime, but this much I do know ~ God has a plan for each of us.

When He wants to Bless us; to get our attention ~ He wraps up His plan with a problem. The messier the problem, the bigger the BLESSING!!

Okay ~ so now what? What does that mean? Well, for starters, we have to BELIEVE and follow His road map ~ directions can be found RIGHT in front of you! My directions are my two beautiful children.

I look into their eyes and I instinctively KNOW ~ I MUST without a doubt, be strong for them ~ they depend on Mama for everything ~ as all children do. My role as a mother is very precious to me for Motherhood is such a wondrous GIFT!

My children did not ask for this ~ not that I did; but they are the innocents....my job, my priority is to PROTECT them!! But sometimes I hear this little voice in my mind asking, "Who is going to protect me"? Dare I ask that and still remain true to my faith?

Okay, yes my life has been pain-ridden lately. I fully recognize that there are people far worse off than me so I keep this in mind at all times to refrain from a self-induced "Pity Party".

With each new day, the sadness slowly fades. I have a renewed insight, inner-strength and even some peace. I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED!! Yep, I will fall down but I shall rise again!

I have learned so much from this experience. My journey it seems, is just beginning and I continue to grow as a woman and as a mother. Guess what else? It is okay to ask 'why" ~ I have my road map right in front of me and All I have to do is reach for it.

I take each day as it comes, soaking up every new lesson life is determined to teach me. The hole on my heart is still there..and it still bleeds but it is healing, slowly but surely.

With each day, comes new promise. I am free to forgive and move on with no malice or anger but I will not forget and that is alright too. I cannot wait to see what lies ahead. I have no regrets, I have HOPE. When I look into the beautiful faces of my children, I am confidant that I am on the right road and my BEST is yet to come! Just my Two Cents........