Life as I knew it.

Once upon a time, a little more than nine years ago, I thought I had it all. A man who professed to Love me, wanted to marry me and raise a family with me. We were going to live "Happily Ever After" or so I was led to believe.

Two beautiful children and three lovely homes later, I found out (unbeknownst to me) that I was not only living a lie but I was living with a pathological liar. This "Man" - my "Husband", took me to the brink of financial ruin not once or twice but three times.

I have been so stressed over his multiple job losses and worried about how we were going to survive while trying to put on a "Happy Face" for the sake of our two beautiful children. I wanted to protect them, make them feel safe ~ never letting this ugliness touch them.

I could not tell my family ~ due to the sheer embarrassment of it all. I was not looking for pity ~ just a way to make this marriage work after all, I took vows ~ "For better or Worse".

We tried marriage counseling with four different therapists, each time he found fault with them and after a few sessions, he refused to return. The stress took it's toll as I could not sleep, yet HE slept peacefully EVERY night.

I lost weight and suffered from constant and severe headaches. I was sick pretty much all the time. There were many days when I didn't even have the strength to get out of bed and face another day...but my babies kept me going.

My estranged husband and I argued constantly and soon I found out that he was purposefully goading me into arguments while he secretly taped me.

He kept a journal on me ~ trying to paint a picture that I was crazy, irrational and "mentally ill" ~ all the while claiming to LOVE me. He tried to have me committed, lied to the police and filed false charges against me stating that I threatened to kill him ~ he is 6'3 and weighs 230, I am 5'10' and weigh between 139-140 lbs.

Talk about NIGHTMARE!! Then he gave me a Mother's Day Card ~ I am not joking! How did things go so wrong?! Why did I not see this coming ~ or did I? Am I one of those women who ignored the red flags?

When I reflect on how we met and our early dating years I can recall catching him in several untruths. Did I somehow bring this on myself? During the course of our subsequent marriage, I caught him in so many lies (he said he did it to protect me)


"Anyone who doesn't take truth seriously in small matters cannot be trusted in large ones either." ~ Albert Einstein. A lie is a lie is a LIE! Needless to say, we are now embroiled in a full fledged divorce battle. I need to to know how someone who claims to love me could betray me, lie to my face and try to keep my children from me?

I am confused, afraid, sad and deeply wounded. I have so many unanswered questions..........Lately, when I close my eyes, my inner child shows herself to me. We are standing atop a tall mountain, yielding a mighty sword and she reassures me that "I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED!"

I don't know what the future holds for it is not guaranteed. I can only take life one day at a time. I know it will take quite some time for me to heal ~ luckily for me ~ time is on my side.

I forgive although ~ I will NEVER forget, the pain, betrayal and suffering. I realize that I am stronger because of my hard times, I am wiser because of my mistakes, I am happier because of my sad times (there are many) and I am smarter because of my confusion. I realize that if I fall down seven times, I MUST stand up on eight!!

This not a rehearsal, life as I once knew it is over, GONE....I rely on my faith, the unconditional love of my beautiful children and family to put the pieces back together.........Sharing, helps me to heal. Just my two cents.

Rainbow

I am the master of my own happiness or so I have been told. If I clean up the present, embrace the future and let go of the past ~ will I get my second chance? I just want some peace, especially after the turbulent storms I have recently endured. I want to move forward, find my comfort zone but those vultures ~ they keep trying to come back and dig their claws into me, tearing into my flesh. I have been deeply traumatized by betrayal from the people of my innermost circle ~ loved ones. I thought I had finally put it behind me, but find myself having nightmares so violent that I realize I am still reliving the terror, hurt, absolute evil and egregious acts placed upon me by people who "love me." WOW! Is THAT love? A shutter runs through me, down to the depths of my shattered soul as I recall the damage it has done to the core of my very being. I need shelter..."From whence shall my help come?" (Psalm 121 v:1) It can and will only come from the Lord. I have put on the full armor of God to deflect the sharp arrows that have plagued me day and night. I am strong. I have Faith. I will persevere ~ this , I know. For no matter what they try to do to me ~ I fight back because the truth always comes out in the end. I know who I am in spite of what they have done! I am a Child of God. I ask myself, Am I truly the Master of my own happiness? Can I have my happy ending? The answer is quite simply, yes as I recognize that maybe my happy ending is just... MOVING ON! I cannot afford to continually look back to what the past has given me ~ I must look at what the future has to offer. Life is a storm, your tears are the torrential rains and when you can finally smile again ~ well,now that is YOUR rainbow! Just my two cents...